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Shallow Hal:When lust turns limp

jackson

Dear Jackson,

I think my relationship with my girlfriend could be in trouble. I think I've stopped finding her attractive. I feel horrible about it, as the reason is so shallow - I'm a mature man - but I have always found large breasts attractive, and hers are not, they are very small.

Recently the physical side of our relationship has suffered, and I catch myself dreaming about other women - including some of her friends.

Is it ridiculous to break up because of this? We are otherwise happy together.

What can I do to change my own mindset?

Let’s start with what you absolutely, categorically, should not do. I don’t think you are, as your letter mentions your will to change yourself, but are you half-wondering if you could bring the topic up?

There’s a salon in Bangkok that offers enlargements through slapping therapy. Pharmacy shelves in Phnom Penh are stacked with all kinds of dubious creams. There are special bras. You could pay to get them enlarged. No, no, no.

What a way to kill someone’s self-esteem. Think about it.

Are you a perfect specimen yourself? You’re a mature man – perhaps you’re letting yourself go? Have you stopped to think that maybe she’s cooled off because of your own physical inadequacies? So many men have their expectations of sex skewed by internet porn.

A woman can be sexy no matter what her figure: I’ve been with everything from a G-cup to an A, and been mesmerised by them all.

Everyone has physical preferences but they are not usually absolute. Something has died here: your feelings for her, or the fire behind the relationship itself.

You say the relationship is ‘otherwise happy’. I don’t buy that, sorry. If you’re not attracted to her, I’m sure she can tell. Are you simply happy, or happier, as friends?

When the sexual flame dies, the relationship will usually follow. It’s a vicious cycle. For whatever reason, one partner loses interest, and this can negatively affect the other’s sense of desire, which in turn further alienates the former ad infinitum until you’re both lying back to back in bed, fully dressed, talking about baseball.

But, if the physical side of your relationship has only recently suffered, there must have once been something there. It wasn’t her breasts, apparently. So what made you want her in the first place?

If there’s still at least some desire left, I suggest trying to revive it. Romance the hell out of her: dinner, drinks – something nice. Dancing is also a great way of kindling sexual energy. Or perhaps try something kinky, like handcuffs, costumes, or a riding crop.

If after all this, you can’t get over the size of her breasts, do your girl a favour and end it, then go and find what you need. While everyone has physical preferences, they should by no means be absolute or obsessive. She deserves better than you being lousy in bed while you fantasise about her friends.

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