I’m really interested in this girl – we met through mutual friends and started hanging out, firstly in a group then a couple of dates. It’s started well, but I think I pushed things too far and put her off.
Some of my close female friends have told me I can get a bit too tactile. I don’t want to seem too eager, but I think it might be too late – she hasn’t replied to my last few texts. How can I get her interested again?
Eager beaver, this week’s lesson is on playing it cool.
The initial stages of courtship can be rife with confusions and contradictions. On the one hand, you need to display your interest. On the other, if you show that you’re too interested, you risk scaring your girl away. Now, I get what you’re going through. I’ve fallen hard and fast before and I’ve wanted to call every minute, to create an undying conversation. But when you first start seeing someone, honest eagerness can easily be misconstrued as a lack of confidence. At this stage, you’re essentially walking on a tightrope – one false move and it’s over.
The solution is measured indifference. While this may seem counterintuitive to the male mind, it can make women crazy. You need to show that you’re sensitive and that you like her while simultaneously making her understand that you have a world outside of her – your own fulfilling world, your own interests and passions and distractions that will continue on whether or not this girl becomes part of your life. Women like men who stand on their own two feet – not men who are overtly needy. You’ve got to wear a mask of coolness, but only half the time. You’ve got to show a little self-control. You’ve got to play the game! If you find this suggestion repulsive, that’s good – it means you’re still an honest man. Most women, however, will only take the time to learn about you once you’ve solidified a good first impression. You need to play it cool before a woman is going to give you an opportunity to show how nice and sensitive you are.
Let’s get specific. First of all, stop messaging her! One message shows interest. A second shows intent. A third betrays desperation. If she wanted to answer, she would have. It’s time to push your phone aside. Another thing: definitely DO NOT waste time perusing her Facebook feed – every new male friend she adds will just make you go crazy.
Even though she’s not answering, all’s not lost. She went out with you more than once – that means she liked you. And in your case, you’re lucky to have met through a mutual friend. You run in the same circles, go to the same bars and parties. You need to use this to your advantage.
Go to a bar/party/event where you know you’ll see her. Don’t fly solo – make sure you’re with at least one other good friend. When you bump into her, act natural and be friendly. Don’t get too excited – nonchalance is key. Give her a big smile. Ask her what she’s been up to. Tell her she looks good. When she asks how you’ve been, you’ve been great, right? You’re busy, working hard, going out, having fun, etc. End the conversation before she glimpses the desperate boy behind the confident guise.
Go mingle, laugh with your friends, talk to other girls, drink and dance. Have fun and be confident – your lost love needs to see that you’re capable of this. Before you go home, say goodbye to her. Tell her that you’d love to grab a drink again some time. Then wait.
If you bump into any of her close friends in the interim, you can always causally say that you liked this girl, that it’s too bad it didn’t work out. Don’t go into detail. Plant that seed, then change the topic.
Call after a few days. If she answers, great! If she doesn’t, you’ve probably blown it. Don’t fret, eager beaver – look at this as a lesson learned.
“Embedded with Jackson Lord Seaton” is a weekly advice column. To send Jackson your sex and relationship questions, issues, and problems, email firstname.lastname@example.org. 7Days guarantees anonymity.