California's

new Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is making efforts to whip the state bureaucracy

into shape. The draft 2004 California State Employee Handbook was leaked to the Post.

Key sections are noted below:

SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able

to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and

Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can

look healthy. Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to

maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's

all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you

wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing

well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you

need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and

therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you

need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work There is nothing you can do for dead friends,

relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend

to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral

should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through

your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute

time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet

paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After

your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under

the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to your great state. We wish to provide a positive employment

experience.

THE GOVERNATOR