Byte Me: Chuck Norris abides neither astronaut killers nor dumpling lovers

Byte Me: Chuck Norris abides neither astronaut killers nor dumpling lovers

120924 7d12b

For someone who’s supposedly an immortal being with the power of a thousand suns, Chuck Norris is certainly starting to show his age. Photograph: Retuers

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris invented 1080p so people could see his beard is made of razor wire. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke; that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Norris has certainly done well out of the seven-year-long meme celebrating his mythic alpha-male abilities. Since the end of his run in Walker, Texas Ranger— from memory a slow-talking bearded guy in double denim who fights Mexicans and cattle rustlers in Dallas-Fort Worth, indisputably the most depressing, red-in-meat-and-state part of the States —his internet notoriety has given him a platform that a lifetime of 16mm production values and shonky B-movies about Lebanese terrorists hitherto withheld.

And he’s put it to good use, barracking for happy-clapper candidate of choice Mike Huckabee in the 2008 Republican presidential primaries with an infamous commercial that either showcases the former Arkansas governor’s sense of humour or his early onset dementia.

While maintaining his close association with Huckabee, Norris also spent time on the stump for Newt Gingrich earlier this year, before grudgingly accepting Romney as a fait accompli. (Incidentally, both Huckabee and Gingrich came out this week to support the continuing candidacy of Todd Akin, whose Senate campaign was derailed last month when he claimed that not all sexual assaults could be classified as “legitimate rape”.)

Norris has also taken to the bully pulpit with a long-running column on World Net Daily, where he takes great delight in pushing the usual Bible-bashing barrows: Obama is a communist in disguise, evolution doesn’t exist, Muslims are plotting to introduce Shari’a law in America.

Paying due deference to the image built around him, his columns are worth checking out just for the overheated aggression of their titles —a recent piece on Neil Armstrong’s death from heart failure was titled: “Chuck Norris Faces off Against Astronaut Killer”.

As of last month, the visage of the ultimate paragon of roundhouse-kickin’ manliness is now gracing the walls of Chuck Norris Dim Sum, a new late night dumpling house opposite Heart of Darkness on Street 51. It’s tempting to wonder whether he’ll kick up a stink about it.

While he’s tried to evince a sense of humour about the worldwide worship of his talents, he once took legal action against a publishing house putting together a compilation book of Chuck Norris facts. It must be said that going through the judicial system is not very Chuck Norris of him —we thought he was supposed to shriek loudly until the bones of his enemies disintegrated into charcoal?

To be fair, given the country’s whimsical approach to intellectual property laws, Norris probably has a few more important challenges to face, should he ever decide to unleash his righteous fury on the streets of Phnom Penh.

For example, how will he avoid dying of shock when he walks into a Riverside DVD store and discovers that someone on this planet has actually taken the time to pirate a copy of Delta Force 2?


  • US think tank warns of China's 'ulterior motives'

    A US think tank on Tuesday warned that spreading Chinese investment in the Indo-Pacific follows a pattern of leveraging geopolitical influence at the expense of the nations receiving investment, including Cambodia. The report looks at a sample of 15 Chinese port development projects, noting that the

  • More than three tonnes of ivory reportedly bound for Cambodia seized in Mozambique

    A total of 3.5 tonnes of ivory reportedly bound for Cambodia was seized by authorities in Mozambique late last week, according to the NGO Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora (CITES). CITES' information was based on a report from the

  • Defence Ministry denies weapons in smuggling case came from Cambodia

    After a Thai national was arrested last week for allegedly smuggling guns from Cambodia to Thailand, Cambodia's Defence Ministry has claimed the weapons seized during the arrest are not used in Cambodia, despite the fact that both types of rifle seized are commonly found in

  • Shipwreck found off coast of Koh Kong

    Royal Cambodian Navy researchers are working to identify a decades-old shipwreck found earlier this month off the coast of Koh Kong province. Divers found the 70-metre-long wreck on April 4 about a mile from Koh Chhlam island, according to Navy officials. Deputy Navy Commander Tea Sokha,