Byte Me: Chuck Norris abides neither astronaut killers nor dumpling lovers

Byte Me: Chuck Norris abides neither astronaut killers nor dumpling lovers

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For someone who’s supposedly an immortal being with the power of a thousand suns, Chuck Norris is certainly starting to show his age. Photograph: Retuers

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. Chuck Norris invented 1080p so people could see his beard is made of razor wire. Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke; that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Norris has certainly done well out of the seven-year-long meme celebrating his mythic alpha-male abilities. Since the end of his run in Walker, Texas Ranger— from memory a slow-talking bearded guy in double denim who fights Mexicans and cattle rustlers in Dallas-Fort Worth, indisputably the most depressing, red-in-meat-and-state part of the States —his internet notoriety has given him a platform that a lifetime of 16mm production values and shonky B-movies about Lebanese terrorists hitherto withheld.

And he’s put it to good use, barracking for happy-clapper candidate of choice Mike Huckabee in the 2008 Republican presidential primaries with an infamous commercial that either showcases the former Arkansas governor’s sense of humour or his early onset dementia.

While maintaining his close association with Huckabee, Norris also spent time on the stump for Newt Gingrich earlier this year, before grudgingly accepting Romney as a fait accompli. (Incidentally, both Huckabee and Gingrich came out this week to support the continuing candidacy of Todd Akin, whose Senate campaign was derailed last month when he claimed that not all sexual assaults could be classified as “legitimate rape”.)

Norris has also taken to the bully pulpit with a long-running column on World Net Daily, where he takes great delight in pushing the usual Bible-bashing barrows: Obama is a communist in disguise, evolution doesn’t exist, Muslims are plotting to introduce Shari’a law in America.

Paying due deference to the image built around him, his columns are worth checking out just for the overheated aggression of their titles —a recent piece on Neil Armstrong’s death from heart failure was titled: “Chuck Norris Faces off Against Astronaut Killer”.

As of last month, the visage of the ultimate paragon of roundhouse-kickin’ manliness is now gracing the walls of Chuck Norris Dim Sum, a new late night dumpling house opposite Heart of Darkness on Street 51. It’s tempting to wonder whether he’ll kick up a stink about it.

While he’s tried to evince a sense of humour about the worldwide worship of his talents, he once took legal action against a publishing house putting together a compilation book of Chuck Norris facts. It must be said that going through the judicial system is not very Chuck Norris of him —we thought he was supposed to shriek loudly until the bones of his enemies disintegrated into charcoal?

To be fair, given the country’s whimsical approach to intellectual property laws, Norris probably has a few more important challenges to face, should he ever decide to unleash his righteous fury on the streets of Phnom Penh.

For example, how will he avoid dying of shock when he walks into a Riverside DVD store and discovers that someone on this planet has actually taken the time to pirate a copy of Delta Force 2?


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