Cleanliness next to sex-godliness

Cleanliness next to sex-godliness

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Photograph: Bloomberg

Dear Jackson,

I’m in love, but there’s a problem. My boyfriend tastes awful – something like old cheese and gym socks. I could deal with it occasionally, but he’s ALWAYS asking me to go down on him. I’ve never experienced something like this and I’m afraid of bringing it up. He’s circumcised and he says he’s healthy. What can I do?
Sincerely, A. Gagger

 

We talk about what we’d like to see in a sex column. It should be fun, we agree. It should be honest and amusing. It should be about people learning each other’s rhythms. But more than anything, it should be hot – for everyone.

Gagging along, you’re right to be hesitant. Hygiene is a sensitive issue and no one likes being told that they ought to take better care of themselves. You risk alienating, upsetting, or angering your man. Before discussing the problem with him, there are a few things worth trying:

Breath mints. The stronger the better. Think those little white ones you chew after coffee. Keep a tin in your purse and another in your bedroom. Next time your boyfriend coos for oral pleasure, crunch one in your teeth and go. The mint should mask the taste, and added bonus: he’ll be shivering with cool peppermint tingles.

For safer sex, there are always flavoured condoms. Strawberry, bubble gum, etc. – take your pick.

I had a girlfriend who was wild about chocolate sauce. Drizzled it all over me, drizzled it all over herself. She kept a squeeze bottle of the stuff beside her bed. Hours spent learning each other by tongue...

And if chocolate isn’t your thing, there are other sexy syrups to experiment with: marmalade, whipped cream, vegemite, peanut butter...

Woo him into your shower. No harsh soaps – something creamy is best. I suggest Dove. Make it hot, lather him up, then work your hands. Rinse off, then pull him dripping wet into your bed and wrap your mouth around his cleanliness.

If nothing has worked, it’s time to talk – you can’t plug your nose forever. Start easy and light. Perhaps his maid washes his clothes in dirty water? Talk to him about how he cleans himself.

Make it dirty – “tell me, honey, how do you soap your little man?” It could be a diet thing, you know.

Or it could be something more serious. If you care about this guy, you might need to tell him to see a doctor. An STI, fungi, or bacteria could be causing the problem – and you wouldn’t want to keep putting something like that in your mouth.


“Embedded with Jackson Lord Seaton” is a weekly advice column. To send Jackson your sex and relationship questions, issues, and problems, e-mail [email protected] 7 Days guarantees the anonymity of all submitters. 

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