One week into the new English Premier League season and it already appears to be a game of more than two clichés.
Alan Pardew finished Monday night off with the ultimate classic: “The performance up until the sending off was pretty sound … blah blah blah.”
The problem was, Alan, you were two nil down by then and pretty lucky to have scored nil.
If that were not comical enough from the bookies' favourite to win the first Premier League manager’s sack race, Pardew then threw in the line: “They could have bid when the game was over, and it had a huge effect on the game.”
The Newcastle United boss was of course referring to the £12 million ($18.8 million) made by Arsenal for the very talented Yohan Cabaye on the eve of their match against Manchester City.
Naturally this bid was so woefully short of the considered valuation of the player that it thereby traumatised all of his teammates to such an extent they were unable to think about anything else.
I noticed that after Steven Taylor swung a left hook at Sergio Aguero, for which he was of course red-carded, he left the pitch clearly muttering the line under his breath: “Should have been at least 20 million.”
However, the hypnotic state of the Magpies on the pitch probably did account for the fact they looked so mesmerised by the passing of the ball by the City slickers.
Only a day earlier on Sunday, Chelsea outclassed a Hull City side that were never at the horses in the first half.
Steve Bruce must have used various forms of electrical appliances in the break (probably borrowed from his old mentor Alex Ferguson) as in the second half, Hull fought like lions and kept a 45-minute clean sheet.
However, we can not say lions anymore as Hull are now officially ‘The Tigers’, yet another footballing farce.
So what did Mourinho make of it all? Well the Portuguese maestro came out with the timeless: “They couldn’t do the same as they did in the first half.”
José was illuminating us as to why Chelsea’s second half performance was not on the same level as their first, claiming that “no one” can play at that pace for an entire game.
A fair point perhaps after the ridiculous scheduling of the midweek internationals, yet Manchester City managed a game of two halves at a terrific tempo only a day later.
Then finally there is of course the professor of all clichés – Arsene Wenger.
Defending his clubs inability to entice anyone to the Emirates during the summer despite the availability of £70 million, Arsene said: “If you look at the players who play tomorrow, they are top quality players, and you should never forget that.”
The problem is, Arsene, they are all injured. Alex-Oxlade Chamberlain is out for six weeks, as is Mikel Arteta, Nacho Monreal and Aaron Ramsey. Kieran Gibbs is nursing a gashed forehead.
However, I have heard that one of the Emirates tea ladies is quite a good dribbler, “has the mark of a true champion” and therefore this season is still “all to play for”.
Bob Morton is a British journalist currently based in Singapore. He has a first-class degree in Media and was previously a correspondent for Ladbrokes Racing.