new Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is making efforts to whip the state bureaucracy
into shape. The draft 2004 California State Employee Handbook was leaked to the Post.
Key sections are noted below:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able
to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can
look healthy. Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to
maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you
wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing
well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you
need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you
need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
This is no excuse for missing work There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend
to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute
time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Thank you for your loyalty to your great state. We wish to provide a positive employment