S AN FRANCISCO - A recently released study has come up with new data to explain
why Americans are the fattest people on the planet. Contrary to existing medical
theories that weight problems stem from an unbalanced diet and high consumption of
fatty foods including burgers, dogs and jumbo ribs with extra bbq sauce, the study
entitled "Blubber or Not: Down the Hatch It Goes", cites conclusive findings
indicating that what one eats, but, more importantly, how much one eats is the key
determining total body tonnage.
"Americans are stuffing enormous quantities of food and beverages down their
throats," said Myrtle Stringbean. Americans consume 10 to 15 times the amount
of solids and liquids as the average Asian or African, and this is why you see so
many blimp-like characters walking our streets today".
Stringbean, who works for the Berkeley, California-based NGO, Less is Less &
More is Bad, said the study's findings were based on exhaustive research conducted
over five years on three continents.
"We looked at the size of portions at the nationwide fastfood chain The Front
End Loader and then compared those with what villagers eat in impoverished corners
of the third world," said Stringbean. "You wouldn't believe the differences,"
she added, noting that one order of lamb chops, mashed potatoes, with veggies and
dinner rolls at The Front End Loader was more food than the average family of 7 consumed
for dinner in sub-saharan Africa.
"With the amount of food Americans eat every day, restaurants like The Front
End Loader should issue shovels instead of forks," sneered Stringbean who called
for a massive government-funded program to re-educate the public on the detriments
of over-eating and obesity.
"The Clinton administration must initiate a 'War on Blubber' now" she urged,
adding her group would be lobbying in DC.
Stringbean issued her findings at a press conference in San Francisco. At the end
of the event, she collapsed from exhaustion and had to be taken to a local hospital
for emergency treatment.
'Stringbean cares deeply for this cause," said a colleague requesting anonymity.
"She's often seen at lunch eating bean sprouts muttering to herself, 'I'm gonna
get those fatties if it's the last thing I do.' And she always tries to set an example
so sometimes she doesn't eat for days. She's real deep, man."
Doctors who examined String-bean after her collapse said she was suffering from advanced
stages of malnutrition.