The following is an extract from the book A History of the Past, Part II,
a narrative compiled by a history professor at Shepherd College in West Virgina,
Anders Henriksson, from statements found in student papers over the past 15
years. This essay was first published in the winter issue of The Wilson Quarterly.
While not strictly relating to Cambodia, the Post feels this unique perspective
of history by American students is of too wide an interest to be kept hidden.
CIVILIZATION woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river
that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. Mesapatamia
was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river.
Flooding was erotic. Judyism was the first monolithic religion. Old Testament profits
include Moses, Amy, and Confucius, who believed in Fidel Piety. Moses was told by
Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahara Desert.
The Book of Exodus describes this trip and the amazing things that happened on it,
including the Ten Commandments, various special effects, and the building of the
Suez Canal.
David was a fictional character in the Bible who faught with Gilgamesh while wearing
a sling. He pleased the people with his many erections and saved them from attacks
by the Philipines.
Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face. The Trojan War raged between
the Greeks and the Tories. We know about this thanks to Homer's story about Ulysses
Grant and Iliad, the painful wife he left behind.
King Xerox of Persia invaded Greace, but fell off short at the battle of Thermosalami.
Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs.
Religion was polyphonic. Featured were gods such as Herod, Mars, and Juice.
The Greeks were important at culture and science. Plato invented reality. The Sophists
justified themselves by changing relatives whenever this needed to be done. Lust
was a must for the Epicureans. U. Clid proved that there is more than one side to
every plain. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle. Archimedes made the first steamboat
and power drill.
Rome was founded sometime by Uncle Remus and Wolf. Roman upperclassmen demanded to
be known as Patricia. Senators wore purple tubas as a sign of respect. Spartacus
led a slave revolt and later was in a movie about this. The Roman republic was bothered
by intestinal wars. Cesar inspired his men by stating, "I came, I saw, I went."
He was assignated on the Yikes of March, when he is reported to have said, "Me
too, Brutus!"
A tidul wave of Goths, Huns, Zulus, and others impacted Rome. Athena the Hun rampaged
the Balkans as far as France. Society was crumpity. Neo-Platonists celebrated the
joys of self-abuse. When they finally got to Italy, the Australian Goths were tired
of plungering and needed to rest. A German soldier put Rome in a sack. During the
Dark Ages it was mostly dark.
Medeval society was arranged like a tree, with your nobles in the upper twigs and
your pesants grubbing around the roots. This was known as the manurial system, where
land was passed through fathers to sons by primogenuflecture.
Power belonged to a patriarchy empowering all genders except the female. Nuns, for
example, were generally women. In the early part of the Middle Ages female nuns were
free to commit random acts of contrition and redemption. Later they were forcibly
enclustered in harems. Russia was run over by Batu Cohen and crushed under the Mongol
yolk.
Certain tribes of India practiced voodoo innuendo. The Crusades, meanwhile, enlarged
opportunities for travel.
Historians today feel that the renaissance was the result of medevil people being
fertalized by events. Italy was pregnent with huge ideas and great men. Machiavelli,
who was often unemployed, wrote The Prince to get a job with Richard Nixon. Ivan
the Terrible started life as a child, a fact that troubled his later personality.
This was a time when Europeans felt the need to reach out and smack someone. Ferdinand
and Isabella conquered Granola, a part of Spain now known as Mexico and the Gulf
States.
Columbus came to America in order to install rule by dead white males over the native
peoples.
There was an increase in climate during the eighteenth century. Agriculture fed more
people as crop yields became lower. These were factors in the better times to come.
The Scientific Revolution developed a suppository of knowledge which greatly helped
later generations. Copernicus showed that the solar system rotates around the earth.
Sir Issac Newton invented the newton. Locke taught that life was a fabula rasa.
The American colonists lived on a continent and England was an island. Thus the Americans
wanted independence. Benjamin Franklin, already famous as inventor of the light bulb,
persuaded French King George III to help the U.S.A.
The French Revolution was like a tractor. It gave people the understanding that you
need change in order to make tracks in the world. The Third Estate was locked out
of its motel and had to do its business on a tennis court. Another problem was that
France was full of French people. Revolters demanded liberty, equality, and fraternities.
Fraternity breeded pride in the nation and therefore thicker political boundaries.
In 1799, Napoleon performed a coo. Napoleon fertilized all his life.
The Industrial Revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories. Great progress
was made through the introduction of self-acting mules.
Telephones were not available-communication went by mouth to mouth or telegram. The
airplane was invented and first flown by the Marx brothers. The social structure
was Upper Class, Middle Class, Working Class, and Lowest Poor Scum. Nobles claimed
to be descended from better jeans. British paternalists were motivated by "noblesse
oblique".
Certain members of the lower middle class exhibited boudoir pretensions. The slums
became brooding grounds for lower class unrest.
In Russia, the Decembrists attempted a coup du jour. Mazzini was a conservative liberal
socialist who founded a revolutionary group known as "Little Italy". Pope
Leo XIII is known as the author of Rectum Novarum, a book of conservative ideas.
Another man to influence the state and others was Kark Marx, who advanced diabolical
materialism. His ideas about revolution, condos, and supermen intrigued many.
Prostitution, considered to be the world's oldest profession, got its beginnings
in the nineteenth century. Sex in this period was a very quiet ordeal. Feminists
argued that sex outside the family would make you go blind or lose your memory. Leaders
of the women's movement included Florence Nightengail, Susan B. Anthony, and Crystal
Pancake.
Burt Einstein developed the theory of relativism. Marie Curie won the Noel prize
for inventing the radiator. Writers expressed themselves with cymbals. Cubism, splatterism,
etc became the rage.
Most English believed in the missionary position. Admiral Dewey sank the Spanish
Armada in Vanilla Bay. The Russo-Japanese War exploded between Japan and Italy. The
German takeover of All-Sauce Lorrain enraged the French, who clamored for vendetta.
In 1914, the assignation of Archduke Ferdman gave sweet relief to the mounting tensions.
When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were left to political incineration.
Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into extra-terrestrialism. Hitler believed in
a Panned Germany and therefore insisted that Czechoslavia release the Sedated Germans
into his care.
England's rulers vanely hoped for "peas in our time" but were completed
foddled by Hitler.
Lennon ruled in Russia. When he died, the USSR was run by a five-man triumpherate
- Stalin, Lenin, Trotsky, Menshevik, and Buchanan. Stalin expanded capitalism by
building machine tractor stations. When things didn't go as planned, he used the
peasants as escape goats.
Few were surprised when the National League failed to prevent another world war.
The perverbial chickens laid by the poor peace treaties after World War I all came
home to roast. Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main US base in southern California.
The Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg. Stalin, Rosevelt,
Churchill, and Truman were known as "The Big Three".
Hitler, who had become depressed for some reason, crawled under Berlin. Here he had
his wife Evita put to sleep and then shot himself in the bonker.
World War 11 became the Cold War, because Benjamin Franklin Roosevelt did not trust
Lenin and Stalin. An ironed curtin fell across the haunches of Europe. Berlin was
airlifted westward and divided into pieces. Israel was founded despite the protests
of local Arabs known as Zionists.
The Marsha Plan put Europe back together with help from Konrad Adenauer, a French
leader whose efforts led to the creation of the Communist Market.
The British Empire has entered a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled
away, leaving only the odd speck on the map. Mohammed Gandi, for example, was the
last British ruler of India. In 1921, he cast off his western clothes and dawned
a loincloth. This was a good way to get through to people.
The French Empire, on the other hand, fell into total term-oil as they clutched painfully
at remaining colonies in Argentina and the Far East.
South Africa followed "Apart Hide", a policy that separated people by skin
color. Actually, the fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more
people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.
The USSR and USA became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent. Wars fought
in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam, and the Six-Minute War.
President John F Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile
Crisis. Yugoslavia's Toto became a non-eventualist communist.
Hochise Min mounted the power curve in Viet Nam. Castro led a coupe in Cuba and shocked
many by wiggling his feelers every time there was trouble in Latin America.
This required the United States to middle in selected bandana republics during the
1960s. Mentally speaking, Russia had to reinvent itself. Gorbachev became top Russian
after the death of Leoned Bolshevik.
The historicle period ended shortly after World War 11-111. We, in all humidity,
are the people of currant times. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds
to a halt.
